Trying to Move On, But will Never Forget

It was a hard time for me.  I went through all kinds of stages of grief.  I was sad and depressed.  Then I got mad and angry at everyone and everything.  How could these crackheads we see in the ED all the time be given baby after baby and yet I didn't deserve one?  I wouldn't answer my phone.  My friends and family wanted to talk to me, and I didn't care to talk to anyone.  I was tired of talking about what happened.  I was tired of becomming emotional and was SO tired of hearing everyone say "It will be okay," "Something must have been wrong," "You have to trust that God had a purpose for this," "It will happen for you," and my most hated was "I don't know how you would have handled triplet anyway."  I know that everyone had good intentions.  They only wanted me to feel better.  But nobody understood, nobody.

While I was pregnant, my husband and I decided to turn our parent's retreat (the little room attached to our bedroom) into an infant room.  This would be where our babies would sleep while they were infants.  They would be right next to us for midnight feedings, and it just seemed most convienant.  We knew our spare bedroom would be the actual baby room.  We figured we would move the babies in there once they were starting to move around.  This way we could actually get some sleep and we also wouldn't be keeping them up.  It felt like those plans were pitched in the garbage when I misscarried.

Then, I snapped.  I got mad.  I told my husband "That's it.  I'm going to get the infant and baby room ready because we WILL have a baby."  My poor husband.  He was such a saint to stick by me through all of my mood swings, and stood by me while I did what I felt I had to do.  In the days and months ahead, I poured all of my energy into prepairing our home for a baby.  I painted every wall in the house, did drywall work, and with the help of my parents and aunt, even laid hardwood floors and hung chair railling throughout.  We have what looks like a brand new house!  We even painted the bathrooms  :)  I guess I just had to have somewhere to put all of my energy. 



   

Now, the house looks great and I'm feeling renewed.  My faith that God has control of the situation has returned, and I'm feeling hopeful that he can make us pregnant again.