It Was A Long Week...

As I feared, it was hard going back to work last week.  I had to go back on Wednesday and was so anxious.  I barely slept at all Tuesday night; I was nervous and even felt nauseated.  Once there though, the day went remarkably well.  Thursday was a bit more challenging for me, and Friday was just down right terrible.  I really felt like I was dangling from the string of sanity.

Wednesday:  As I mentioned, it wasn't a bad day.  I have to admit though, nobody mentioned my miscarriage while we were working, none of my pregnant co-workers were there, and they moved my assignment around throughout the day which helped keep me from getting bored and prevented me from "thinking" about things (although I'm sure that wasn't their reasoning behind it - it worked anyway).  One of my friends had lunch with me and asked how I was holding up.  We had a really great conversation.  I was able to express my feelings about coming back to work, my anxiety over facing pregnancy around me all day, and just the crazy roller-coaster emotions I have been experiencing. 

We also talked about my fears in the workplace.  Every time something has happened, I feel it started at work.  During my first pregnancy, I began having low back cramping while at work, which led to spotting, and then my miscarriage.  During my second pregnancy, I began spotting, which was followed by surges of heavy bleeding during stressful times at work, and then ultimately my miscarriage.  How am I suppose to feel about work?  I don't know, but I'll tell you how I do feel about it.  As much as I love what I do, as much as I absolutely love the people that I work with... I'm scarred to death that it's causing me to loose my babies.  The long 12 hour shifts on my feet, not more than a few minutes total during the day to sit, if that much,  no time to drink water or go to the bathroom to pee.  Add to that the oftentimes stressful environment and I honestly feel like I'm causing these miscarriages. 

My friend told me that she didn't think it would be a problem to put me in triage when I work, which does allow for some sit down time while you're filling out triage paperwork, and is most of the time less stressful overall than working in the back.  She suggested doing that, or maybe half days of triage and quick turnover rooms to help keep stress lower while still allowing me to feel like a nurse.  My only problem with this is that I feel like I'm "putting out" those at work who rely on triage for a change to their routine, and those who are pregnant and may want some sit down time too.  I feel like the charge nurses make their assignments the way they do for specific reasons; whatever they feel will make flow go better during the day providing the doctors and nurses on shift that day, or based upon the changes throughout the day with staffing.  With my "neediness" for time off my feet and less stress, I feel like I will be causing others an increase in stress and work.  I know that I have to take care of myself and the future little one... but I don't want to ruin what I have at work either.  I've worked hard to show that I am a reliable hard-worker who will run circles in the ED if that's what it takes to do my job while being able to help my fellow co-workers too.  I feel like I've worked real hard to gain the respect of the people I work with and I don't want that to dissipate because I want a baby.  But my desire for a baby is so strong... and along with my husband and 15 year old daughter, that's what means the most to me.  So, do I take it easier at work, or do I find something else that is easier on me?

Thursday:  Not a bad day, in fact, there was only one time during this day that I felt emotional.  Another friend at work, one who happens to be due in May with her second little one, came to me to offer her condolences.  She has shared with me since my first miscarriage some of the struggles she's been through, and it's always been helpful for me to be able to see that there is hope for those of us who struggle so hard for a baby.  I shared with her my concerns about work, the suggestions my doctor has made about taking it easy, being off my feet a little more, decreasing my stress, and drinking enough water.  She then shared with me something I didn't already know about herself.  She told me that she gave up an ED job for a nursing job where she could sit all day, and within four months (if I remember correctly), she was pregnant.  Her position in our ED now is not a full time position and her hours vary from shift to shift, so she's not on her feet for 12 hours straight for three to four days a week.  She really feels like our job is just too hard on us physically while TTC and while pregnant.  She also told me about a relative of hers who was a hairdresser, and she too was on her feet for hours a day.  When this relative changed jobs and became a secretary, she too conceived quickly.  I have to say... she's convincing me!  I was thinking that it was just me.  It was SO helpful to hear that someone else has seen issues with being on your feet all day and viable pregnancy.  She gave me a huge hug and offered to meet with me at anytime if I needed to talk about anything.  She has NO IDEA how much that meant to me, and I'm sure I'll be meeting with her in the future as my emotions go up and down.

Friday:  This day was just horrible.  It started off rough because I was just sleepy.  Working three twelve-hour days in a row in our ED is hard no matter who you are or what you're going through.  My eyes felt heavy as I drove into work.  As I was walking in, I ran into another co-worker who is due I think in June.  She's an absolute sweetheart and has always been very supportive of my TTC.  She'd often ask how things were going, how I was feeling, if it was coming close to time to test, and how doctor's visits went.  She's kind of like a cheerleader for me.  I feel like she was kind of worried several months ago about telling me that she was expecting.  Anyway, I met up with her in the parking lot and we walked in together.  I'm not sure what it was; if it was my being tired, or my hormones being out of whack, or just the fact that I'm so emotional right now... but oh my goodness!  We were talking about my schedule.  This week I worked three in a row, and how tired I was, and she was talking about how her third in a row she always felt cranky.  Then, I told her my schedule for next week is completely opposite, with me working every other day.  She made a simple comment about how well she liked that while she was pregnant with her first little one... and suddenly a huge lump of emotion rose in my throat.  I felt like I was choking on it.  I did all I could do to hold it in and push it down inside.  I put my stuff in my locker and attended huddle. 

Our regular charge nurses' weren't on duty today and someone I'm not real familiar with the one who was.  She assigned me to the trauma rooms.  I got report on my patients, did quick assessments on them, and then began filling out the white boards in my rooms with the staff's names.  I felt like at any moment I was going to fall from the thin sanity thread in which I was dangling.  The lump in my throat was still there and I couldn't seem to get it to go away.  I felt like I was suffocating!  Then my manager, a man, came in and saw me in the trauma rooms.  He came to me and asked if I needed to be in triage.  The only thing I could squeeze out was "I don't know."  I felt like I was going to burst into tears at any minute and if I opened my mouth, I may just loose it.  He kind of looked at me funny and asked "Do you know anything?"  I replied, "I don't know."  It, just like my first answer, came out short and strained.  I felt the heat rising into my face and my chest felt heavy.  I walked away and into another room while I kept telling myself that I could do this, and to get myself under control.  I don't like to cry, let alone in front of those I work with.  My manager must have went to the charge nurse because she called me and told me to give report to another nurse and go out to triage.  She was real nice about it, and even tried to reassure me that it wasn't a problem at all.  But, by the time I made it out to the triage room, I was in a full fledged bawl.  I couldn't seem to get myself under control.  Once I got myself to stop crying, I went to my manager's office to apologize, but by the time "I'm sorry" could escape my lips, I was bawling again.  I couldn't turn it off.  I bet I cried for five or ten minutes right there in his office.  Looking back, I can tell the story and laugh, because the look on his face was one of genuine concern and care, with a little "Holy crap, what have I gotten into" thrown in there!  He was supportive and all, and told me they'd do whatever I needed.  When I went back out to the triage room, I called my husband, and couldn't even tell him what had happened without crying.  I was an on and off faucet of tears all day.  It was just TERRIBLE!

Saturday:  My mom sent me a text message that was a little confusing to me.  I called her for some clarification.  She told met that I was on her mind all day Friday, so when she went to this church meeting Friday night, she asked them to pray for me.  She said that she had only talked to one of the ladies of the group about my miscarriages and what I had been going through, but that nobody else knew anything.  She said that she didn't give anyone any details either.  She simply told them that her oldest daughter has gone through some miscarriages and that she felt I may need some prayer.  Most of the people in this church Bible meeting knew me as a child and had gone to the same church I grew up in.  Apparently one of the guys in the group even called me by name and referred to me as little, as if I were still a child.  So the group goes into prayer.  Momma said that one of the ladies who prayed aloud really touched her with her words.  She said that this lady used all of the "right" words, like about giving me a baby that would stick, and providing my body with what it needs to function as He designed for it to.  She said the prayers were awesome.  Then, after the Bible group was done, she said she was approached by another lady, someone else that knew me as a child although I can't seem to place her.  Anyway, this lady told her that while she was praying, God gave her a phrase for me:

"God opens and closes the womb." 

Momma said, "She told me she saw babies when God gave her this phrase for me.  Not just one baby, but several babies."  Momma said she was floored.  She hadn't shared details of my pregnancies and miscarriages with this lady, and yet she saw babies.  Momma said she asked the lady how she knew, and the lady was like, "knew what?"  Momma then told her that I was pregnant with triplets the first time and miscarried all of them.  The lady said she didn't know about that, and she didn't know if she was seeing the babies I had miscarried, or babies God was going to bless me with in the future. 

While momma was telling me this, I had chills and was crying.  First off, of all the days I needed prayer, Friday was definitely the day.  God put me on my Mom's mind for a reason... he knew I needed him and needed prayer.  Secondly, he gave the one woman all the right words, and gave the second woman words of encouragement for me, not to mention a picture he wanted me to know about.  No matter how me meant the phrase or the vision to be interpreted, I guess we'll only know in the future, I know he's here for me and is not letting me go through this alone. 

My God has me in his arms and is carrying me through this.  Not only that, but my faith is renewed that my God is also making me stronger in preparation for the baby he will give us in the future.  I have faith.