So, this may sound crazy, but I was watching my DVR'd episode of Private Practice this morning while pushing my friend's baby's stroller around the house (I'm keeping him for her tomorrow and she dropped the stroller off with me this morning so it would be one less thing for her to carry tomorrow morning... and I don't know why, but I'm feeling giddy with this baby stroller in my house)... anyway...
Addison says something that just hits home. For those who don't watch it, she's in her 40's and wants to have a baby really badly. Long story short, she's seeing a man who happens to have a grandchild and last week gave him an ultimatum that they have a baby together or end the relationship. Harsh, but I see where she's coming from. Anyway, the man, Sam, is asking her why they can't compromise and give it more time. This is what she said that made me stop running around the house with the stroller and actually say out loud... "Yes, that's how I feel!"
"Sam, I, have already waited to long. You know, first it was wait until you meet the right guy, and then I met Derek, and then I told myself, Addison, be smart, wait till you've finished med school, then wait until you finish your residency, and then wait until you finish your fellowship, and then my marriage exploded, and then I had an affair, and then it was, oh no, not now, you can't have Mark's baby, that would be unseemly, and, I waited, and waited, and waited, until I only had one egg left. And it's not that I didn't want kids, it's because I took having kids for granted, because a 13 year old girl can do it, because a 75 year old man can do it. You know who can't do it? An over-educated, talented, strong, powerful woman in her 40's. How ridiculous is that? How mad am I at my body? I waited too long."
She goes on about her internal clock that's not just ticking, but actually alarming, and so on, but that, ↑ up there, man did it hit home! I mean, I didn't go to med school, my marriage hasn't exploded, I've never had an affair, I'm not in my 40's, yet, and I hope and pray I have more than one egg... but you get my point don't you? I didn't get to do it "right" the first time, when I had my daughter, and I waited until I met the right guy, which by the way I believe was the right choice. At that time though, we were going through a bad time with his family. They didn't approve of us getting married. My husband had been married before and they believe that you get married once and stay married. Problem was, my husband didn't leave his first wife, she left him, and for someone else. It wasn't like I came in and pulled him away from his wife! Then, they didn't treat my daughter (whom my husband adopted when we got married) like a grandchild. They already had a grand-daughter, and they didn't treat the girls the same. It was terrible and we weren't going to allow it. Anyway, we were going through a lot of "growing pains" with his family and didn't feel it was the "right" time to have a baby (oh, and just as a side note, we all get along wonderfully now and one wouldn't know that our daughter wasn't blood to them). At the same time, I was a police officer. At that time, there was just not many of us females in law enforcement, not like there is today anyway. I can't even imagine going in to work and telling them I was pregnant; oh, I would have never heard the end of it. So, after a few years, we decided I needed to make a career change for the family and I went back to school for forensics and nursing. With nine months left of school, we decide we can start trying to have a baby of our own. That was three years ago! My husband and I have been together for ten years, and married for seven years, and I'm feeling like we've waited too long.
What if we had tried right after we got married? Would my ovaries have been in better working order then? Would I have ovulated on my own? Would I have saved a ton of money on fertility treatments? Would I have miscarried four precious little babies? Will I ever be able to carry a baby to term? Are we ever going to get our dream of a baby???
Our questions may never be answered, I know. And I also know that God has a plan for us. I guess, in the meantime, I'll get all excited while running around the house pushing a friend's baby stroller and dreaming of our one day baby.
Crazy how a few minutes of a crazy TV program can make you stop and think.
There are always a lot of times when I have looked at my life and asked myself "what if." I have found that depresses me and so I have to trust that my life has weaved a tapestry for God to use me for His will. That includes my whole life - my job, my family, my relationships - everything. I'll be praying for God's will to be done.
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